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[21 Nov 2009|03:37am] |
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Tired |
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From Yesterday {x} 30 Seconds To Mars |
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So, it's good to be back.
Not that I was ever gone, I just sort of had to...Pretend for a while, heh. I recently had to break it off with the girl I was seeing. She's an awesome girl, but the distance got to be too much for me. She's going to school in Wilmington and I'm um...Not? Plus, she's gonna be in school for awhile, she's only a Sophomore. God knows where I'll end up after Basic, I figured it was best to end it now and salvage friendship than end it later and lose everything. So far so good, we talk, maintain contact, and she seems to understand why it happened.
That was a few weeks ago. I'm seeing someone else right now. Someone who actually lives, you know, closer. It's got a whole slew of drama behind it (she used to be engaged to one of my best friends, but hey), but what doesn't these days, yeah?
Anyhow, my job sucks. Just thought everyone should, you know, know.
Had this really weird dream last night. I was fighting a man wearing a taco costume. Near as I could tell, we were fighting over the last packet of "Mild" sauce at Taco Bell. It was kind of epic.
Anyway, nothing else really going on. I'm just so ready to go.
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| ::giggle:: |
[20 Nov 2009|03:42am] |
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mood |
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Accomplished |
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music |
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Edge Of The Earth {x} 30 Seconds To Mars |
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God it took way too much effort to get her to unfriend me on here. Been trying for weeks with emo posts. Finally took emo lyrics in a post locked so only she could see it.
Sure I could have unfriended her, but this was more fun, hahaha.
And yes, this is an entirely childish and spiteful post, I know. But it makes me giggle, so, nyah!
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| So Put Your Faith In More Than Steel |
[17 Nov 2009|03:23am] |
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mood |
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Cholymelan |
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music |
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Of Dust And Nations {x} Thrice |
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When did everyone grow up?
And why did they do it?
I remember, maybe a year and a half ago, we'd sit out on the back porch and drink all day. Or hang out in the little shed in the back yard and drink in there if it was too cold. We'd walk to McDonald's at Holy-Shit:30 in the morning, just because we could. We all reveled in the fact that we only had to work three or four hours a day, and that we could spend the rest of the day doing basically whatever the Hell we wanted.
We'd play video games, watch movies, go out to eat constantly. And then one day, it was like a switch that everyone except me possessed was flipped, and everyone decided that wasn't enough anymore. Everyone suddenly became concerned with where they're going to end up in the future. And you know what, that's fine. But everyone seemed to be controlled by it. We're all in our early twenties, we're supposed to be messing up right now, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with having a plan but...God.
There's everything in the world wrong with being so concerned with life that you forget to live.
I'm getting in touch with a recruiter this week. Joining the Army, hoping to get a job in intelligence. Most likely an analyst position. I have to get away from this. Maybe the Army will be chock-full of people overly concerned about life too, but that's fine. I can deal with that. I won't have had to watch them go from fun to serious. I'll be doing a two-year term. If I like it, awesome, I'll stay. If I don't, then hey I spend half of my first year in training and get to get out soon. Then I'll just figure out something else. Wing it, like I always have.
Damn it all to Hell, but I still can't get angry. Not even a little.
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[16 Nov 2009|04:55am] |
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music |
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Lovely Day {x} Ayria |
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4:45 AM. Wide awake, and sick to boot. And all I've got to keep me company? Yeah, my mind.
I realize I'm not okay. I know that I apparently still have some buried issues to work with. I guess these past few months I spent running after all. Every day, even after all this time, I still think.
I don't even know how anymore. I'm not angry, I'm not happy. I'm not sad, I'm not even really moved. I don't feel anything at all even as I think. In my mind, it's still all my fault, and I can't seem to come to terms with that. I can't bear the thought of being happy with myself being able to accept that.
How is it I still think this way? Feel this way? I've gotten better about it but sometimes, damn it, sometimes I just can't believe it's all gone. The only person I regarded as a real friend the entire time I knew them. It's a fight I'm losing.
It's a lovely day to never feel this way again.
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[16 Nov 2009|12:28am] |
I don't believe that I could be so stupid.
So naive.
Don't ask. Just had to get that out.
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| Words Are Very Unnecessary |
[09 Oct 2009|03:26am] |
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mood |
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Set |
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music |
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Lovely Day {x} Ayria |
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And yet we feel the need to use them at great length. We surround ourselves in verbal barricades, talk ourselves into shells. Through them we create personas and masks (redundant...) that tell other people who we think we are but rarely manage to uphold. I'm no different.
I am no intellectual. I'm not a philosopher, and I'm certainly not exceedingly deep. I am lost and confused, but for reasons no different than your own. Life is confusing, and there are so many choices that it's literally impossible to know if you've ever done anything right. Maybe you're happy, but everyone has a 'what if'.
But here I am, merely using words to impart a facade that is only marginally true. I walk the path of the confused and frightened, but I try to make it sound as though I make sense of it all. As if I want to be there.
I do not.
I am at my core, an unfortunate soul placed in the wrong time and place. I kept up my end of the bargain. I did my soul-searching. I did my depressed looking walk down the street. I skipped my stone across the river. I sat on a bench, and I leaned against a wall.
So I did everything I had to do to prove to myself that I wasn't running away. I even went back to school on a whim. It's fun, I enjoy it. But I'm still not complete. I'm joining the Army. If not at the end of the semester, then at the end of the school year. It all depends on my grades this semester. Everyone knows, my friends, my family, my coworkers. And it's different now, this time, everyone supports the decision. For once, I tell people this and don't feel like I'm letting them down.
I asked a girl at work to breakfast the other day to prove a point. It turned out to be a very fun experience. I have made a new friend, and I had forgotten that feeling.
But this started as something about how words are unnecessary, and so it will end.
Every passing year I grow a little older, and a little bolder. Every passing winter I grow a little colder, but maybe that's just the weather. Or maybe that's just life.
Enjoy the silence.
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| What Makes Bad Kids Bad? Booze, Babes, and Fast Cars! |
[25 Sep 2009|07:59pm] |
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music |
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Murder Song {x} Scum of The Earth |
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So I've been getting bored lately. Very often. Even with the four or five days at a time that I get 4 hours of sleep or less a night, I find myself so compelled to get out and do something that I can't sleep. As a result, pool practice has skyrocketed to ridiculous levels. I'm fairly sure I practice so often that I actually get worse, since I don't have time to soak up my lessons, hahaha.
Sometimes, I wander around campus for three or four hours at a time. It doesn't even take that long to walk the entirety of it, but things constantly change.
Not a single drop of alcohol has touched my lips in over three weeks. I need to change that this weekend. I guess. I go out these days, but I never drink. I'll be at the pool hall for hours at a time, and what do I drink? Arizona White Tea. I go out to the bars with friends, and I might take a sip from someones beer if my tea is gone and my mouth is dry, but yeah...I don't drink anymore. At 22. How sad is that? Over the past two months, I can recall two occasions that I drank at all.
I'm working out again, after all I can't spend ALL the time I'm bored at the pool hall or at the mall or something. I ran two and a half miles today in 13 minutes. Good. Not great, not fantastic, but alright. 23 pull ups, and I stopped counting after 160 sit ups.
I need a haircut.
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[17 Sep 2009|03:10am] |
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mood |
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.... |
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music |
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When Did This Storm Begin {x} Shiny Toy Guns |
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I'm really emotional right now, and I'm not sure why. Something about the drive home. The song that was playing, the way my cigarette tasted, the temperature outside, the light rain falling on my windshield. You know the kind, the one that's enough to obscure your vision, but not hard enough to justify windshield wipers.
It all took me back. To where I don't know. I can't figure it out, but it was such a rush of nostalgia that it was like a blow to the face. I miss something, but I really have no idea what. Maybe I just miss not being preoccupied with life.
I do know one thing though. I think I've found what I was after.
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[15 Sep 2009|11:36pm] |
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mood |
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Retrospectful |
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music |
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Enjoy the Silence {x} Lacuna Coil |
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So, last night (Monday) was the first official game of the season in the pool league. Jared and I are on the same team, The Lucky Break. We consist of two sixes, a seven, a one and Jared and I round out the mid-game with fours.
Now, a word on ranks. The average pool hall patron runs somewhere around mid-two to low three. If you are an average pool hall kind of person, then the average four is that guy who beats you. A five is the guy who has started using and understanding english, while maintaining a strong banking game. A six is that guy that you'll see play 4 or 5 games of 9-ball without missing, and a seven is that guy who isn't playing with anyone because he's practicing four-wall banks.
So Jared played last season while I watched and supported him, having by that point taught him everything I knew. Me on the other hand? Wet behind the ears and very, very nervous. My match was against a three, so I had to win three games and he had to win two. And the first one was pretty much a landslide in his favor, I was just too nervous to focus. Over the next few games, I got back into my groove and beat him twice. I could tell by that point I had him kinda nervous. So he racks for our last game, and I break. The game went by pretty quick, and we ended up locked on the 8-ball. And then I made a terrible judgment of force, kissed the 8 too lightly and it stopped just short of pocket. I don't think I need to say the rest.
But it was exhilarating. And I may have lost, but I don't care. It was my first time, I was nervous, and I ran this guy down to match-point. And I don't care if he was ranked three, he was GOOD. It was also exhausting. We played four games in a little less than 45 minutes, and I was so focused that it just wore me out.
All in all, I can't wait 'til next Monday.
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[03 Sep 2009|04:28am] |
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mood |
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Melancholy |
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music |
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Same Old Song {x} PAIN |
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So...I'm in the middle of my second week back at school. 22 years old, Freshman year. It's been alright so far. I ran into a friend from high school that I hadn't really seen since graduation. We caught up for a bit, and I asked how she was. She said she had just finished her first day of grad school. I laughed and said I had just finished the first day of my Freshman year, and even though it was kinda funny, it was a little sad too.
Work is...Work. I've finally stopped leaving when they ask if I want to go home, I've finally started staying as late as I can. I still wait for my friends after work, but I don't like sitting out there anymore. I stay inside working as long as I can.
I've caught up with a few old friends lately. It's fun to be hanging out with them again, even if a lot has changed in the time since we last saw each other. It's kind of interesting, counting out the ways they've changed. The ways they haven't.
I still...
I still think I'm not okay. But, that's just the same old song.
In restless dreams, I walk alone.
Narrowed streets of cobbled stone.
Beneath the halo of a street lamp,
I turn my collar to the cold and damp.
It was then that I touched the sound of silence.
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[01 Sep 2009|06:17pm] |
I have a massive headache. Why? Because I have a test in the morning on a chapter we haven't covered in class at all. Sure I've read it, but nothing we've discussed is related more than slightly tangentially. What HAVE we talked about? Research ethics. Period. So I have four hours to make sure that I actually DID manage to teach myself this damn material.
FML.
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[20 Aug 2009|03:31am] |
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music |
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Playing The Fool {x} Unter Null |
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"You seem to misunderstand. At this point, I don't care if you really did it or not. I'm going to beat the Hell out of you either way. If you did do it, I'm going to kick your ass for being stupid enough to admit it. And if you didn't? I'm going to kick your ass for being stupid enough to say you did."
Sometimes, being me just works out.
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| Checklist. |
[03 Aug 2009|03:06pm] |
Year of school.
MECEP.
Finish term.
Grad school.
Life.
Die.
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[09 Jul 2009|05:10am] |
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mood |
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Faraway |
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music |
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Little Spider {x} Scum Of The Earth |
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...So, it's been awhile. Between helping my new girlfriend (!) watch her house and her dogs for a week, my computer going apeshit on me for a few days, and countless trips to the doctor, I've had a pretty eventful few weeks. So eventful that at 5 AM I'm posting an LJ entry because "a chance to relax" has turned into "being really, really bored."
So, I've finally gone and done it. For two years, ever since I started working at UPS, my wrist has been bothering me. On two occasions, I had to go home because of it. On countless others, I had to slow down, or take a break entirely. Now, I can't ignore it anymore. In a blindingly smart move that would have been even smarter had I done it in the first place, I have to wear a brace to work. And when I sleep. And when I drive. And oh yeah, anytime I'm doing anything else. I can take it off when I shower, when I eat, and when it's just too damn hot for me to bear for the next five minutes. Otherwise, braced up. Basically, when my bone healed all those years ago it healed perfectly. Except bigger. And ever since I started working at UPS, that bone started grinding and pushing against things it isn't meant to. This is not a preventative measure either. My wrist hurts on a fairly constant basis, including now. I don't even wanna talk about how bad it can get during a game of pool (which I have, inexplicably, gotten much much better at). Doctor basically told me that it shouldn't get worse at UPS, but it will never get better either if I stay. Whatever though, I was planning to leave anyway.
Otherwise, nothing really new. On a more worrying note though, I'm steadily losing about two pounds every three weeks or so. Normally, I'd be like "Well, it's hot, and I have an active job and a fast metabolism and blah blah blah" but I stayed pretty solid (2-3 pounds of variation) for two years, once I kicked off the wait I gained at my old job. But over the past three months, I've lost almost ten pounds. And I haven't changed anything at all about my diet. If anything, I'm eating more than ever. I guess not so worrying as it is weird. Although, if it keeps up I'll get worried. I'm close enough to being "underweight" as it is. And as much as people love to chime and say they wish they had that problem, don't. Because being underweight is more dangerous than being overweight. In my line of work, anyway.
I can't wait for school to start. You have no idea. Moreover, I can't wait for my vacation in two weeks. 10 days of sunbathing, swimming and surfing. Stoked does not begin to describe how I feel about this.
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| Hello Darkness, My Old Friend |
[22 May 2009|04:45am] |
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mood |
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Eh |
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Lovely Day {x} Ayria |
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This is basically a stream of consciousness, to lull myself to sleep. Facebook is a little too public for me right now, so Livejournal it is.
I've been accepted at UNCG, and I'm happy about that. I'm also pretty scared. It's very, very sudden. As in, a month ago (today, actually) I applied at a college that I didn't think I'd get into and now I'm sitting here next to an acceptance letter, a list of usernames and passwords and a note with my appointment for class registration. My first semester is limited to 10 hours, that was the deal I had to make to get in, but still. Suddenly, I am a student again. In the words of my friend Randy; "Life is a series of sudden moments, and how you react to them defines who you are." I finally feel ready, and I know that my past college experience was defined by the fact that I didn't try. I think I'm ready to try now. I want this, I really do, but I'm still intimidated by it. Even more so because of the past. I may very well not be done until I'm 30, or older. It's strange to think that there's a possibility that the next eight years may be predefined.
I've been clean (other than cigarettes and booze, but whatever) for the past three months. That feels good. I've been single for five and a half, and I've finally stopped seeing it as a negative. It's kind of nice to realize someone is flirting with me, and to flirt back. Bit of an ego boost, really.
Well, that's half of a lie. I'm kind of seeing someone at the moment. And by "kind of" I mean I think the term we agreed on was "Exclusively not dating." That conversation was one of the funnier ones I've had in the past few months.
I'm trying to get away from UPS, but it's proving very difficult to land a different job. I expected that, of course, but I don't think I was ready for it to be this difficult. I can't even land an inexperienced high school-level job.
I have a few friends I may be moving in with in the next two months or so. We're currently browsing four-bedroom houses for rent that are close to downtown. We're hoping to find one that we can end up paying less than 300 a month each for, rent and bills total. If we can't find that I guess I'm stuck at home, but it's nice to be looking, at least.
I don't miss her anymore, and I can't decide if that's better or worse than when I did miss her. However, I'm not crying right now, so it must be better. I won't lie, I miss certain things. The way her hair smelled, or the way she'd snuggle against me when it was cold at night, but I think I've finally been able to move on. It's amazing how easy it is to let yourself heal when you don't spend weeks at a time drunk/fucked up on every substance there is to abuse.
I think that's my life in a nutshell, really. It seems complicated most of the time, but if I can sum it up in so few paragraphs (most of which are fairly short) I guess I have it pretty easy.
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| As I Wait To Dry.. |
[03 May 2009|08:52pm] |
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mood |
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Content |
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music |
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I dunno, something on my In Flames playlist |
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Gah, so I'm sitting here before a fun-filled night of beer pong and what have you, in my bathrobe basically just waiting to be well and truly dry (I hate the way clothes stick to you if you aren't entirely dry!) and decided to make an update on stuff.
Stuff is good.
Work's been going okay, people are actually deciding to show up for once, and that's always cool. Plus we finally fired some of the lazier folks so things are a bit more efficient.
All my friends are coming back for summer and so....Hell yes! More people to hang out with again.
Um, went to a concert on Wednesday night instead of going to work (ah, the responsible one is I!). Dommin, I Am Ghost, and The Birthday Massacre. The first two bands I didn't know anything about, while the third one is my favorite band of like a year and some change so I was really excited! Dommin was really pretty good, and they're gonna be on Warped Tour so I might actually have a reason to go to Warped for the first time in like, years. I Am Ghost just blew. They have to be the worst signed band I've ever heard in my life. They were WAY too loud. We went outside and even then they were still too loud to easily talk to each other. Birthday set up, and teased us for like 15 minutes by asking us just how much we wanted them to play, then they started their set and the night just became amazing. Like seriously, everything just kicked off after that. I even managed to not only meet a really cute (and single!) girl, but she agreed to dance with me, gave me her number and is completely willing to hang out next time I head out to Raleigh.
In relation to music, I am soon purchasing a guitar, and have a friend who is back on vacation that will be giving me lessons. So finally, after years of talking about doing it, I'm finally gonna sit the Hell down and try to get this whole "playing music" thing to happen.
Also, I really, really want a Jeep dammit.
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[12 Apr 2009|09:15pm] |
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music |
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All of This {x} Blink 182 |
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( All of This )
We never really had a song. But to me, this was it. We both listened to it a lot when we were younger. I always listened to it when I was upset, usually about something that had to do with her. So even though the song reminded me of sad times, it always cheered me up. Because it made me remember that even after everything we'd been through, we made it out okay, and with each other.
I haven't listened to it since she told me she couldn't do this anymore. I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I listened to it tonight though. For some stupid, fucking godawful reason, I listened to it tonight.
And I was right.
I'm so sick of missing her. I'm so sick of everything reminding me of her.
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[05 Apr 2009|09:53pm] |
I need it to be okay that I'm upset. It needs to be okay that I'm angry. I want it to be okay that I'm not okay. I don't want to hate it when I cry. I want to be alright with the fact that every now and then, I have a bad night. I want to be able to deal with the fact that sometimes, I just can't stop thinking about it.
I wish I didn't doubt. I wish I didn't think that all of these things made her right. I don't know why I can't let go. It's not like there's even anything left to hold on to. She's done a good job of making sure of that.
But dammit, I just can't. It's not that I don't want to, because I do. I wish I could just stop thinking about it. Stop going back to it. Stop having nights like tonight.
But I can't. Something just won't let me.
I was happy.
I am so sorry for all the things I didn't realize I was doing wrong. I know it's foolish to be sorry for things you never knew were wrong, but oh Gods, I am.
I am so, so sorry.
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[30 Mar 2009|02:46pm] |
I love you guys.
And no, I'm not drunk. Just thought you should know.
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